is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
