hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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