Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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