The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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