i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
