No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
