I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
