At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
