why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
