Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
