last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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