so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
