Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
