i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
