My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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