The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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