I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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