wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
