I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
