im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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