you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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