giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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