also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We're too hungover to prance.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
