his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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