She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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