Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize