HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
