He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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