why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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