I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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