There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
