I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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