believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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