Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
