His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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