I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I wish you could order shots online.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
