I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
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