i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
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