She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
