I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
