I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
