I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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