Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
