i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
