Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
