When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
