Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I need to calm my uterus...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
