She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
