This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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