she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
