During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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