Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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