There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
