her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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