piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
