she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize