tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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