Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
