The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
