my mouth tastes like poor choices
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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