you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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