You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
