I wish you could order shots online.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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