I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
