The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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