Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
