No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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