What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
