i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
this boner is exhausting
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
