I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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